Avoiding Teaching the Happiness Myth to my Toddler

At lunchtime my toddler laid her head down on the table and told me “I’m sad mummy”. It felt like my heart was breaking in two. I knelt by her chair and offered her a hug. With her arms wrapped around my neck and head slumped on my shoulder she repeated “I'm sad”. I asked her, “what would make you happy again?” All of a sudden I was struck by how I was teaching my daughter to fall into the happiness trap. I was implying that happiness is the normal state of being (happy again), that sadness is a problem that needs to be fixed and that you can be made to feel happy by things external from yourself. While I doubt that my toddler took these depths of meaning from my question I was aware that if I continue to use such language with her as she grows up I could end up inadvertently training her to fall into the happiness trap.

So I made the conscious decision to act differently. I sat her on my lap and told her “everyone feels sad from time to time. It's ok to feel sad. It will pass. I'm here for cuddles if you want them.” While she may not have understood all of that, I felt like I had followed my values by saying those things to her. I would love to teach her psychological flexibility as she grows up and avoiding language which leads to the happiness trap is an important part of that.

So, what happened when I said this to her? “Just want… just want my lunch”. Ok, back to lunch. And you know what? Her sadness did indeed pass all on its own.